Well, it's looking like Sunday night is going to be my regular blogging night, if only because it is the only free time I seem to have these days. Outside of watching DVDs from my Sex and the City box set. That's taking up a lot of time.
This week, I told my mum and dad that hubby and I were getting serious about looking into adoption. I had mentioned it previously to mum and she had been vaguely against/for. It's hard to know what she really thinks of things sometimes, because she tries so hard to say what she thinks she is supposed to say. And with me, she never knows what she is supposed to say.
One conversation we once had about adoption, she said to me "your dad's not keen". Just like that. Your dad's not keen. No thought about what those words might do to me. Your dad's not keen, like we were duscussing a holiday destination or something.
So anyway, I had a day off and I was helping her paint her spare room. I brought the subject up again. Casually. Said we were going to start talking to agencies and stuff, just, you know, putting it out there. She seemed supportive, maybe even a bit excited. Then I said I was going to talk to dad and she tried her very best to put me off. I didn't need his permission, she said, he wouldn't listen anyway, not if there was a cowboy on the telly. I said that he was my dad and that I wasn't asking for his permission, I just wanted to talk to him. Go on then, she said, but he won't listen. No I won't, then, I said, it was making too much of a thing of it. Oh go on, she said, talk to your dad...
... and so it went on...
Eventually, I went downstairs alone and found dad lying on the setee, half dozing, half watching Home and Away. I sat on the floor fussing the dog lying next to him. Funny how nervous you can get talking to your dad. Or just even thinking of talking to your dad.
I tried to find a way in whilst watching Home and Away with him, but the words wouldn't fall out of my mouth. I could hear mum upstairs, pottering away, and felt the pressure of time.
I took the plunge, finally, as the last credits for Home and Away rolled. Said something like; "Dad, did mum mention to you that we were thinking of adoption?" I carried on stroking doggies ear. All very casual. No need for a fuss.
Dad said he wasn't keen. I took a moment and then pushed on, talked a little about the adoption process. He asked if there was no way I could have my own children. I nearly broke at that. Having to say to your dad that you can't have children is... is hard. I shook my head. "The endometriosis is too bad," I said, "It's just too painful."
I talked some more about the adoption process, about what kind of child or children we thought would fit with us. He asked a few questions. He wanted to know if we could all love a child who wasn't our own as much as a child who was our blood. I said that I thought I could and I said that I thought he could too. And I meant it. I know that my dad would love my child no matter how it came into our lives. He said OK. He came and fussed doggy with me and and said to doggy, "We can find the love can't we? Yes, we can find the love"
I love my dad.
