I'm not pregnant. I've been trying for a few months now, but I can tell by my body feeling like shit and my mood being dark that my period is imminent.

When I say trying, what I actually mean is that I came off the pill. Last month I even made an effort to have sex at the 'right time'. Or rather, husband did.

But it's not really trying. It's very unlikely I will ever get pregnant because I have very bad endometriosis which has shot my pelvic region to hell. I know that, he knows that. Not being pregnant is not a shock nor a disspointment, it's just what I am. Always. And probably forever.

So why bother? For the pure fact that I don't want to live into my 90s, end up lonely in a nursing home, smelling of cabbage, and find myself thinking, "God damn! Why didn't I even try to get pregnant?"

I was treated for the endometriosis for years, and it was fucking awful. I look back now and it's like my whole life got sucked into some huge, cold, dark hell-hole. I'm not in so much pain now, which is miracle and which means I can at least try to get pregnant, but, really, my heart's not in it because it's not going tpo happen. Not in this screwball body.

And this attitude is not even a defence mechanism anymore. I'm not secretly hoping I will fall pregnant and being all bravado about matters. I genuinely don't expect it to happen and I just need to prove it to myself so that I can move on.

But move on to what? We went to Paris recently. I love that city. I worship at the dirty shoes of that dirty city. I'm learning French. I have no children. I have no career. But maybe then I could end up with Paris because there is nothing to keep me in England. Not having children (or career!) becomes the advantage.

I was really geting into this last saturday, and looking up different parts of Paris and where I could afford to live and what I would do etc, then one hour later, as a complete surprise to myself, I was saying to husband; "Shall we adopt, then?". He said yes, of course, because I know that he wants to adopt a child (or two) and then we spent the whole weekend chatting away excitedly about that.

I mean seriously, what is going on with me?

I haven't mentioned the adoption thing since the weekend and neither has he. He's absolutely sure that it is what he wants to do, but then he just never does anything about it. I know that if I don't raise it again, he won't say anything. He is lazy. Truly. Very lazy. It is entirely possible that we could grow old without children because my husband can't be arsed to distract himself from the Playstation.