I've been pondering this since it occurred to me that the Gerard Depardiue guy at work might be looking at me because he finds me attractive, rather than because I am wearing one of my odd cardigans from Next.

Anyway, here's the body count since that moment.

In Paris. Man in restaurant with two other guys and a girl. I glanced his way and saw he was looking at me. Tres sexy. I looked away first. I think it tacky to be looking at other men when out to dinner with your husband, particularly as your husband is best looking and sexiest man in the city, but we may have caught each others eyes one more time, maybe twice.

At work. Feeling v stressed, looking for something in a cupbaord next to a window. Glance out of window. Man walking by looking in. Smiles. I have scowl on my face from stressful cupboard task. Man may have been offended that I didn't smile back! (he caught me by suprise, goddam it!)

All of these men (grand total of 3) are older men, so maybe that's my target range. I failed to impress at a recent meeting of pensioners I attended, though.

Once, there was a day when I felt pretty. On this day, I was out having a coffee with husband and his family in a stylish hotel lounge. I glanced up, a man, older man, with a young women, was looking for somewhere to sit. Quite acciddentally, we caught each others eye. For a moment, with not a scrap of self-cosnsciousness, we just looked at each other. He stood looking at me. I sat, surrounded by family, looking at him. He moved away and I sat there almost breathless at the power of that moment.

When we went to leave, sometime later, I wondered if he was still around. He was. He sat by the door, with a group of young people who I have always imagined were his grown-up children. He watched me walk across the floor. I could feel the weight of his stare and thought I might buckle. I knew I had to look at him before I left the room. I did. I was shocked to see how intensly he was watching me. It was a quick moment. Outside my husband said to me: "that man was staring at you".

I think I have been trying to recapture that experience all my life.